Monday, December 28, 2009

So this is all I will blog about for now!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Another year down.

Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Is it just me or does it not feel like Christmas time at all? Maybe it's because I had to spend all yesterday in the ER and I'll now spend Christmas/New Years in pain (thanks, stupid gland!) so the idea of waddling around to get to my presents doesn't sound too appealing. It hasn't felt like December all month, though, and December is my favorite time of the year. I love Christmas lights and foods way too fatty for me to be eating right now and I usually love going around town taking tacky pictures with both.

I don't usually make resolutions for New Years because, well, there's not usually anything I need to change about myself. The most popular resolution is to stop smoking and I've never been a smoker. Other popular resolutions are to eat more vegetables and brush teeth more, both of which I love to do. My resolution? Quit torturing myself over people who I clearly mean nothing to. There is a good quote that I really, really need to start paying more attention to:

"Never make somebody a priority
when you are only an option."

Fuck guys. Fuck the ones who know you've cared about them for a year but continue to walk all over you and only give you attention after they're a few beers deep, or when they're lonely and the other girl they're talking to isn't available for them to spew their "I miss you", "I wish things had worked out between us", and "I wish I could be there with you" bullshit to. I am way too vulnerable for anybody to be pulling that kind of crap with me right now, even He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Wah, wah, wah. I need to quit being so weak.

Anyway, I'm really hoping to get the crib bedding I picked out for Christmas. How weird is it that a year ago I was begging for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia DVDs and this year all I want is baby stuff? Well, I'm lying, I'm also secretly hoping to get that badass Harry Potter 1-6 DVD set Walmart's selling for about $40. Dream big!

I have a semi-busy week ahead of me:
12-23 ; Take Little One (my dog) to the vet for her surgery check up.
12-24 ; My follow up appointment at the OB after all the ER nonsense.
12-25 ; Christmas! :3
12-29 ; 4D ultrasound appointment in Tallahassee.
12-04 ; Three big birthdays: My mom's, my step-dad's, and my grandma's.

Happy holidays to anyone reading!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

I'm offically 7 months pregnant and in the 3rd trimester of pregnancy!

Friday, December 18, 2009

I feel kind of weird having a blog, especially since I doubt anyone will even read it, but I have way too many thoughts and not enough people to tell them to. So I will write it out. I hear that helps with stress, after all. The whole 'getting thoughts off your chest' thing. Maybe that's what I need to start doing, maybe clearing my mind will help make 2010 better than the disaster that was 2009.

Not that 2009 was completely terrible. I don't want to sound like a pessimist or anything, because I'm not. I'm a positive person! I just also happen to be a realist and I don't like to sugarcoat, so I guess that can sometimes come off as being 'bitter' or 'emo'. Nah. 2009 had its good moments. If anything it had been the most eventful year OF ALL TIME (thanks, Kanye) and I hear it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than completely boring.

I started 2009 off in New York City. Times Square! A trip back to New Jersey with Amanda, and Eric on the phone. I always thought it was pretty cool that Eric and I started the year off on the phone with each other, as lame as that sounds, haha. I'm not even sure what to say when it comes to Eric because that's not something I want everybody knowing about, but I can say he and I had some weird ass connection / everything in common and I think, in a way, that kind of stops me from being able to fully like other guys because my standards are high as hell now that I KNOW there is someone I can feel that way toward. Everyone else just seems like a cheap comparison. A knock off. Eric and I's "fling" didn't last long, but we spoke every single day for at least 12+ hours starting on January 1st and ending sometime in March, so it was enough to know we clicked really well. Too bad things didn't work out but there's no point in dwelling on that now.

I took the Plan B pill after being with Eric and I started having a lot of medical problems. Very painful medical problems that require ER trips, miniature surgical procedures for temporary relief, an embarrassing reputation (since people are convinced my problem is caused by various STDs - when it's not, I've never had an STD), and a soon to be major surgery in an attempt to fix what happens. The doctors believe my body couldn't handle the medication, so it made one of my glands collapse and now I get "sick" every so often. This thing has been one of the big downs of 2009. I'd never had any kind of medical problems until taking that pill.

I lost my two best friends. Another down and something I don't want to tell everyone about, but it happened and it sucked. In fact, I "lost" Eric and my two best friends all in the span of a week and a half, so for a while I was pretty fucked. I didn't know what to do. It's not like I know a lot of people here considering we're only here because we're stationed at Tyndall and I refuse to meet people off Myspace / Facebook. Loneliness is probably the worst feeling in the world. So I turned to drinking and started going to parties with one of the people I'd met earlier that month. I was drunk probably every single day and night from March - July. I met a guy named Jessie and decided I was tired of being lonely. It might sound cruel... but Jessie became my rebound.

I knew he was a loser when I met him but I was also desperate to have someone in my life. Everyone else seemed to have someone and I felt like I had nothing. I was never truly happy with him because he was so fucking immature for his age (23), and I'd had better. Trying to fake the true feelings you'd felt only once before is not easy. When I was drunk, he seemed like less of a dipshit and I felt better about how things were going... And that's how I was for the majority of our "relationship" - drunk. When I ended up getting pregnant, something I never expected from myself, I finally started seeing him for everything he truly was and I was so disappointed in myself for ever stooping low enough to get involved with someone like that. What happened to my high standards? There was not one thing I liked about this guy when I was sober but, for months, despite being constantly mistreated and verbally / emotionally abused, I tried to force it for the sake of a baby. I don't think I've ever been as unhappy as I was from April-November and it's going to take a long time to forgive myself for bringing Jessie into my house, for putting that kind of stress on my family, and for giving yet another innocent baby a deadbeat, piece of shit excuse of a "father".

I was never in love with him so I'm not heartbroken. After being sober, I realized right away that I had absolutely no feelings for him. Never have, never will. And after how mistreated I was, I've decided I'd much rather deal with the emptiness of being lonely than ever attempt to "settle" just to have something. I've never been in love and I'm okay with that now. I realized I still care for Eric and I probably always will unless I happen to meet another guy I have such an amazing connection with - which I'm sure I will, I'm only 19 and there's billions of people in the world. Caring for somebody isn't always enough and sometimes you just have to force those feelings and memories into the back of your head to make things better.

I've made a lot of really good friends this year, though! Leah, Brianna, Britney, Ian, Ashley, etc. I probably wouldn't be sane right now if it weren't for them. I've gotten to sit front row at Turner Field for a Braves/Red Sox game, gone to a pretty epic Metallica concert in Tampa (which the baby loved), I finally get to enjoy my pregnancy and I get to spend every day feeling my baby girl kick the shit out of my belly. I never wanted kids but now I can say that, despite the suffering I had to do during the majority of this pregnancy, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. While I haven't experienced falling in love with a guy, I've fallen in love with the idea of being a mom and giving Emma the best life I can.

I'm not really sure what to say. I feel like I'm in the calm after the storm now that everything is finally settling down and I can finally start to pick up the pieces and try to fix myself. I'm right back to being where I was, only now I have a bigger stomach and an improved mindset. I don't need a guy in my life to be fucking awesome, nor do I need one to be a good parent.