I'll never understand how people can be so shitty to those who care about them. I know I sound like a whiny little brat every time I vent about something on here... But I really don't have anyone to talk to and I need to get things off my chest. Honestly, this shouldn't even bother me because the people who are getting to me are nowhere near worth my time, but I guess they matter when they're as good as it gets in a town like this.

I'm not perfect by any means but I make damn sure that I treat people the way I want to be treated in return. NOBODY likes to be talked bad about being their back, nobody likes to be lied to, ignored, and pretty much shown that nobody wants anything to do with them. I am constantly confused with how I have nothing solid in my life because I know I deserve better. I am a good friend. I'm funny, I might not be the most entertaining person to hang out with because I don't drink and/or do any drugs - but I'm not a total bore, either, I'm a good listener, I give decent advice, I don't (usually) get jealous, and I give my all to people when I care about them.

I am at the point where I can honestly say I have no friends. I have people who tell me they miss me and that we should hang out soon, but if I died today hardly anybody would care enough to go to my funeral. Do you know how that feels? There is a lot I could elaborate on but... I just don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know how to meet new people and find friends who are actually worth my time.

I am so ready to move. October needs to hurry up.

Project 365, day 010.



Ashley Goot finally came by to see us! <3

Project 365, day 008.

The past two days have been pretty eventful. Last night Brianna slept over and we made dinner together (chicken parmesean pasta with toasted ravioli in pepper sauce - yum!), watched The Lovely Bones, 500 Days of Summer, and Remember the Daze. Went through a bunch of old pictures we found out in the garage and discovered that Emma looks almost identical to how I looked as an infant. Maybe she doesn't look exactly like her sperm donor after all.

Sperm Donor's grandma came by at 2:30 to visit with Emma and we ended up talking for about an hour. I'm still incredibly shocked at how nice his family seems considering he turned out to be such a worthless piece of shit. She told me that they sent him two pictures of Emma and that they, and I quote, "made him cry". I call BS on the crying and I'm a little indifferent about the fact that he's being sent pictures when he hasn't even acknowledged her existence to anyone but them, but I guess he was bound to see what she looks like eventually. It is what it is. I just want him to keep leaving us alone.

I decided to cook dinner again tonight and it turned out pretty awesome. Stuffed chicken and tortellini pasta. I stuffed the chicken with ricotta, parmesean, mozzarella, basil, garlic, and tomatoes and stole a sauce recipe from Olive Garden for the pasta. Gouda, parmesean, bacon, chicken, white wine, rosemary, basil, artichokes... It was ridiculously om nom nom-worthy. After dinner Brianna & I decided to take Emma on a walk down to Sperm Donor's grandparent's house (they live on the street next to mine) so his grandpa could finally see Emma in person.

Tomorrow's plan... Go by the bank to deposit a check and open a savings account for Emma, WIC appointment, Department of Children and Families, pick up Chris, and go by CVS. I think that's it, anyway. Apparently Walmart refuses to print the pictures I take of Emma because they're "professional". LOL, WOT. Anywayyyy, damn. I am so exhausted out of my mind. I feel like I could sleep for days if I didn't have to get up to tend to Emma every 3 hours. Maybe one day I'll get someone to watch her for like 6 hours just so I can take a nap and feel... I don't know, recharged. Yawnnn.

I have 4 best friends who I hardly ever get to see or talk to. It seems a little weird to call them "best friends" when there's not much effort going into the friendships, right? It's not that there's a lack of effort on my part - I try to talk to all of them. Three of them live 6+ hours away and aren't really able to come visit me and the other one likes to dedicate all of her time to only one friend (+ guys and partying) when said friend is in town. We all have such a great time when hanging out does happen and I'm always sad when one of them has to leave because I know it'll be over a month before I get to see them again. Or before we even speak.

I had my doubts about letting a friend be so involved in my labor and delivery process because friendships tend to come and go. I let her cut Emma's umbilical cord. She was there the night I finally got to bring her home from the NICU. She was there when I found out Emma was a girl, when I got my 4D ultrasound, and for Emma's first shots. But when I want to simply hang out or have a conversation - or even act like we have a friendship - she's too "busy" for me and then the next day there's a ton of pictures of her partying with other said friend. I'm not jealous of their friendship because that would be ridiculous, it just really hurts my feelings when it seems like such a fucking hassle to put effort into a friendship. I don't have many friends at all and when the couple of friends I do have only talk to me or try to get together when there's nothing better to do, it hurts. And it hurts me that I let people experience some of the most important moments of my life and yet I always come second to partying and other friends. It's amazing how uninterested people are when you no longer want to go out and get fucked up all the time. I wish I could find it in me to not care and just see shit for what it is, but I can't.

Two of my best friends are my cousins. One of them got a girlfriend (who I love!) and seems to revolve his entire world around her, so we've been talking a lot less. We've been best friends since birth and, despite the fact that he'd rather spend money to go see the Georgia Bulldogs play instead of using the money to come here and meet my daughter, I know he will always be one of the most important people in my life. My other cousin... Well, I love her to death, but she's got her issues. She only speaks to people when she needs something. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to call and text her only to be ignored. In fact, I'm pretty sure I go ignored EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. But the second she needs a favor or wants to vent about the guy she's seeing, here I am willing to talk to her. Selfish.

My other best friend lives over 12 hours away and it'll probably be years before we get to see each other again. Neither one of us really makes the effort to talk much anymore, but that one's a little more understandable. We haven't seen each other since 2006 and people start to drift after 4 years of long-distance friendship.

I guess... my issue is I feel that the people I love don't care about me nearly as much as I care about them. They prove over and over again that I come second best. They prove that I'm only good because I'm loyal and will always be around when they're bored and can't find somebody better to talk to. And what kills me is the fact that I'd still do anything for all of them because that's the kind of person I am. I have faith that one day my life will be filled with people who genuinely care about me and won't mind putting effort into a friendship, but until then I'll settle for what I can get. It's better than being completely alone.

(On a less annoyed note, Emma is freaking adorable!)

Project 365, day 007.