Tried to take some 5 month pictures of Emma today but she moves around so much and gets unhappy so quickly that it's getting pretty hard to get good, clear pictures of her now! I thought taking pictures of babies got easier the older they get, haha, but I was wroooong. Anywho, look how cute -






We finally put up our "RENT" sign in our yard and I swear that's what's making this move sink in for me. All of the sudden I'm so... unhappy about it. I was so excited to go, and part of me still is because I love Virginia and I'm glad to get Emma away from the trashy hellhole that is Panama City, but I really do not want to leave Chris. I don't want to be without him.

At first I was so worried that leaving would ruin our relationship, I was scared to even think about trying because I've done it before and I know how long distance tends to fail for most people. Especially since our relationship is still fairly new. But if I feel like if you want something bad enough - if you are truly determined for things to work out - then they will. And I am determined to make things work. It all depends on if he can handle the distance or not... and I hope he can. There is no try, there is only do. We can do ittttt!

Anyway, I was bored and decided to do one of these things to keep track of how much we've been dating... It's really pointless but I saw it a friend's myspace and was curious to know how many days we've been together. I want to do one for how long Emma's been alive next. You know, when I'm not too lazy to go back to the website.

But since I am too lazy and Emma is now awake, I'm going to go back to watching Lost! Until next time, dear blog. Adios.

So, this blog seems to have turned into a total fail and that's mostly due to laziness and lack of wanting to whine about my ridiculously dull/shitty/bad luck-infested life. Things will go good for about 3 seconds (ie: I GOT MY HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA!) and then hit close to rock bottom immediately after. I don't understand it.

But, anyway, I'll make some time tomorrow to write a post about everything that's been going on lately even though I don't think anybody even looks at this anymore. October needs to hurry up and get here because I'm ready for some change.

Alright, new idea! How about instead of a Project 365... I call this a Project Whenever I Have Time to Post Pics. Yep, I'm liking the sound of that a lotttt more.

We're considering taking a trip up to DC to try to find a house to move into before the forced move. The military is trying to screw us on our housing situation so right now we're pretty much fucked. We've been buying the house we live in now because we didn't expect to get orders again before my dad retires and usually the government will buy your house if they force you to move. Well, they don't do that anymore, so they told us to just move and either pay monthly for BOTH houses (which is out of the question) or to just foreclose on this one. Really? FORECLOSURE? Not the answer. Hopefully this will all work itself out. I have a feeling it will.

Things have been a little too hectic for me to remember to update this every day. My family got new station orders... to Washington DC. Scott got a job at the PENTAGON. While I'm sad to leave a couple of people behind, I'm very excited. I love fresh starts. I love four seasons. I love big cities. I love that I get to move Emma to a town that has so much culture and educational activities. This is a good thing. Sad, but good.

Project 365, day 022.

I feel kind of weird having a blog, especially since I doubt anyone will even read it, but I have way too many thoughts and not enough people to tell them to. So I will write it out. I hear that helps with stress, after all. The whole 'getting thoughts off your chest' thing. Maybe that's what I need to start doing, maybe clearing my mind will help make 2010 better than the disaster that was 2009.

Not that 2009 was completely terrible. I don't want to sound like a pessimist or anything, because I'm not. I'm a positive person! I just also happen to be a realist and I don't like to sugarcoat, so I guess that can sometimes come off as being 'bitter' or 'emo'. Nah. 2009 had its good moments. If anything it had been the most eventful year OF ALL TIME (thanks, Kanye) and I hear it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than completely boring.

I started 2009 off in New York City. Times Square! A trip back to New Jersey with Amanda, and Eric on the phone. I always thought it was pretty cool that Eric and I started the year off on the phone with each other, as lame as that sounds, haha. I'm not even sure what to say when it comes to Eric because that's not something I want everybody knowing about, but I can say he and I had some weird ass connection / everything in common and I think, in a way, that kind of stops me from being able to fully like other guys because my standards are high as hell now that I KNOW there is someone I can feel that way toward. Everyone else just seems like a cheap comparison. A knock off. Eric and I's "fling" didn't last long, but we spoke every single day for at least 12+ hours starting on January 1st and ending sometime in March, so it was enough to know we clicked really well. Too bad things didn't work out but there's no point in dwelling on that now.

I took the Plan B pill after being with Eric and I started having a lot of medical problems. Very painful medical problems that require ER trips, miniature surgical procedures for temporary relief, an embarrassing reputation (since people are convinced my problem is caused by various STDs - when it's not, I've never had an STD), and a soon to be major surgery in an attempt to fix what happens. The doctors believe my body couldn't handle the medication, so it made one of my glands collapse and now I get "sick" every so often. This thing has been one of the big downs of 2009. I'd never had any kind of medical problems until taking that pill.

I lost my two best friends. Another down and something I don't want to tell everyone about, but it happened and it sucked. In fact, I "lost" Eric and my two best friends all in the span of a week and a half, so for a while I was pretty fucked. I didn't know what to do. It's not like I know a lot of people here considering we're only here because we're stationed at Tyndall and I refuse to meet people off Myspace / Facebook. Loneliness is probably the worst feeling in the world. So I turned to drinking and started going to parties with one of the people I'd met earlier that month. I was drunk probably every single day and night from March - July. I met a guy named Jessie and decided I was tired of being lonely. It might sound cruel... but Jessie became my rebound.

I knew he was a loser when I met him but I was also desperate to have someone in my life. Everyone else seemed to have someone and I felt like I had nothing. I was never truly happy with him because he was so fucking immature for his age (23), and I'd had better. Trying to fake the true feelings you'd felt only once before is not easy. When I was drunk, he seemed like less of a dipshit and I felt better about how things were going... And that's how I was for the majority of our "relationship" - drunk. When I ended up getting pregnant, something I never expected from myself, I finally started seeing him for everything he truly was and I was so disappointed in myself for ever stooping low enough to get involved with someone like that. What happened to my high standards? There was not one thing I liked about this guy when I was sober but, for months, despite being constantly mistreated and verbally / emotionally abused, I tried to force it for the sake of a baby. I don't think I've ever been as unhappy as I was from April-November and it's going to take a long time to forgive myself for bringing Jessie into my house, for putting that kind of stress on my family, and for giving yet another innocent baby a deadbeat, piece of shit excuse of a "father".

I was never in love with him so I'm not heartbroken. After being sober, I realized right away that I had absolutely no feelings for him. Never have, never will. And after how mistreated I was, I've decided I'd much rather deal with the emptiness of being lonely than ever attempt to "settle" just to have something. I've never been in love and I'm okay with that now. I realized I still care for Eric and I probably always will unless I happen to meet another guy I have such an amazing connection with - which I'm sure I will, I'm only 19 and there's billions of people in the world. Caring for somebody isn't always enough and sometimes you just have to force those feelings and memories into the back of your head to make things better.

I've made a lot of really good friends this year, though! Leah, Brianna, Britney, Ian, Ashley, etc. I probably wouldn't be sane right now if it weren't for them. I've gotten to sit front row at Turner Field for a Braves/Red Sox game, gone to a pretty epic Metallica concert in Tampa (which the baby loved), I finally get to enjoy my pregnancy and I get to spend every day feeling my baby girl kick the shit out of my belly. I never wanted kids but now I can say that, despite the suffering I had to do during the majority of this pregnancy, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. While I haven't experienced falling in love with a guy, I've fallen in love with the idea of being a mom and giving Emma the best life I can.

I'm not really sure what to say. I feel like I'm in the calm after the storm now that everything is finally settling down and I can finally start to pick up the pieces and try to fix myself. I'm right back to being where I was, only now I have a bigger stomach and an improved mindset. I don't need a guy in my life to be fucking awesome, nor do I need one to be a good parent.