I have spent the past 3 months trying to tear down the walls that I usually surround myself with because I've found someone who I feel deserves to have all of me. I never thought I'd get lucky enough to meet someone who can make me feel the way he does, and now that I have that I am so terrified to lose it. There was a time when I thought Eric was that person, but now when I look back on how I felt with Eric... That was nothing compared to how strongly you can really feel toward someone. You know that butterflies in the stomach feeling you always hear about but are never really sure if it exists? Now I know it does, because I get them every time I'm with Chris. That was one of the first things that stood out to me and made me realize that this is different. I'm not exactly a sappy person, I am not the kind of girl who says she loves a guy - ever. I usually make fun of couples who say they love each other after 1 month, 2 months, 3 months of dating because I never thought it was possible. But who am I to judge how long it takes for someone to fall in love? It's different for everyone. I never thought I loved Andrew. I definitely never thought I loved Jessie. Eric, the thought did cross my mind a few times but at the same time I knew it wasn't real - I knew I WANTED to be in love with him just because I wanted to experience the feeling I was convinced I'd never get to feel. I never loved Eric. Chris? I feel like he's perfect. I know there's no such thing as perfection, and he does have his fair share of flaws, but I feel like he is perfect for me despite things that have happened and despite the fact that we have something major to overcome right now. Despite the fact that I'm about to move across the country. He is perfect for me and that is extremely hard for me to say, especially on my public blog, because I've never felt that way about somebody before and being completely honest about how I feel makes me feel so vulnerable.

Sometimes I miss the walls I used to hide behind just because they protected me from getting hurt. Now my feelings are fair game. Fuuuuuuck. I really don't want to leave him.

So, this blog seems to have turned into a total fail and that's mostly due to laziness and lack of wanting to whine about my ridiculously dull/shitty/bad luck-infested life. Things will go good for about 3 seconds (ie: I GOT MY HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA!) and then hit close to rock bottom immediately after. I don't understand it.

But, anyway, I'll make some time tomorrow to write a post about everything that's been going on lately even though I don't think anybody even looks at this anymore. October needs to hurry up and get here because I'm ready for some change.

I'll never understand how people can be so shitty to those who care about them. I know I sound like a whiny little brat every time I vent about something on here... But I really don't have anyone to talk to and I need to get things off my chest. Honestly, this shouldn't even bother me because the people who are getting to me are nowhere near worth my time, but I guess they matter when they're as good as it gets in a town like this.

I'm not perfect by any means but I make damn sure that I treat people the way I want to be treated in return. NOBODY likes to be talked bad about being their back, nobody likes to be lied to, ignored, and pretty much shown that nobody wants anything to do with them. I am constantly confused with how I have nothing solid in my life because I know I deserve better. I am a good friend. I'm funny, I might not be the most entertaining person to hang out with because I don't drink and/or do any drugs - but I'm not a total bore, either, I'm a good listener, I give decent advice, I don't (usually) get jealous, and I give my all to people when I care about them.

I am at the point where I can honestly say I have no friends. I have people who tell me they miss me and that we should hang out soon, but if I died today hardly anybody would care enough to go to my funeral. Do you know how that feels? There is a lot I could elaborate on but... I just don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know how to meet new people and find friends who are actually worth my time.

I am so ready to move. October needs to hurry up.

Things have been a little too hectic for me to remember to update this every day. My family got new station orders... to Washington DC. Scott got a job at the PENTAGON. While I'm sad to leave a couple of people behind, I'm very excited. I love fresh starts. I love four seasons. I love big cities. I love that I get to move Emma to a town that has so much culture and educational activities. This is a good thing. Sad, but good.

Project 365, day 022.

I keep forgetting to post my p365 pictures on the right day. Whoops! There's just been so much going on during the day to remember to update before 12am. Please forgive me, blog of mine. XOXO.

The picture from yesterday is one of the baby Mockingbirds from the nest outside my dining room window. There were three babies and yesterday two of them took flight - this little runt stayed behind and ended up falling out of the nest earlier today. I watched it hop around the yard for a little bit, enough to see if it could fly or not, and it couldn't fly so I decided it would be best to pick it up and put it back in the nest. Birds won't really neglect their babies if someone touches them - that's a proven myth. But, anyway, the little bird wanted to be difficult and jumped back out of the nest. We have two hunting dogs who would eat that little thing up in a heartbeat so I followed it around until it hopped out of the yard through a hole in the fence. The entire time the parent Mockingbirds were circling over us, squawking like crazy, and trying to dive-bomb attack me. Those bitches are INTIMIDATING! I was worrying pretty bad about the little bird because I know it probably won't survive if it's not ready to fly yet. It will most likely either a) hop back into our yard and be eaten by our dogs, b) hop into a neighbor's yard and get eaten by one of their dogs, or c) hop into the road and get run over. Or get picked up by a bigger bird... who knows? But, you know how the whole 'out of sight, out of mind' thing goes. So once it was out of sight, it was out of mind. Until I heard a noise outside of our front door. I looked out and there was the little Mockingbird with the parents circling overhead. I opened the door to try to see if I could catch it and try to put it back into the nest once more but it took off hopping and the parents started trying to attack me once again, so I took off running because those things have sharp beaks and talons. Screw that! I know it's just a little bird and baby birds don't make it all the time... but I feel really terrible knowing that this innocent little baby most likely won't survive. Poor thing. :( Hopefully I'll quit feeling like crap about it soon. And my dogs do NOT want me to catch them eating the little guy because I will be pissed beyond belief.

I thought it was cool having a nest right outside my window because I could see everything. I saw them from egg to flight, I saw how the parent birds feed them, how they have to work harder than humans to keep their babies alive. It was like having Animal Planet in my backyard! But it is way, way too stressful to have a nest of babies in your backyard when you have a Basset Hound and a Labrador Retriever. I think I'll have my step-dad take down the nest sometime tomorrow so they don't return to it. Out of sight, out of mind.

Project 365, day 016.


Project 365, day 015.

I have 4 best friends who I hardly ever get to see or talk to. It seems a little weird to call them "best friends" when there's not much effort going into the friendships, right? It's not that there's a lack of effort on my part - I try to talk to all of them. Three of them live 6+ hours away and aren't really able to come visit me and the other one likes to dedicate all of her time to only one friend (+ guys and partying) when said friend is in town. We all have such a great time when hanging out does happen and I'm always sad when one of them has to leave because I know it'll be over a month before I get to see them again. Or before we even speak.

I had my doubts about letting a friend be so involved in my labor and delivery process because friendships tend to come and go. I let her cut Emma's umbilical cord. She was there the night I finally got to bring her home from the NICU. She was there when I found out Emma was a girl, when I got my 4D ultrasound, and for Emma's first shots. But when I want to simply hang out or have a conversation - or even act like we have a friendship - she's too "busy" for me and then the next day there's a ton of pictures of her partying with other said friend. I'm not jealous of their friendship because that would be ridiculous, it just really hurts my feelings when it seems like such a fucking hassle to put effort into a friendship. I don't have many friends at all and when the couple of friends I do have only talk to me or try to get together when there's nothing better to do, it hurts. And it hurts me that I let people experience some of the most important moments of my life and yet I always come second to partying and other friends. It's amazing how uninterested people are when you no longer want to go out and get fucked up all the time. I wish I could find it in me to not care and just see shit for what it is, but I can't.

Two of my best friends are my cousins. One of them got a girlfriend (who I love!) and seems to revolve his entire world around her, so we've been talking a lot less. We've been best friends since birth and, despite the fact that he'd rather spend money to go see the Georgia Bulldogs play instead of using the money to come here and meet my daughter, I know he will always be one of the most important people in my life. My other cousin... Well, I love her to death, but she's got her issues. She only speaks to people when she needs something. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to call and text her only to be ignored. In fact, I'm pretty sure I go ignored EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. But the second she needs a favor or wants to vent about the guy she's seeing, here I am willing to talk to her. Selfish.

My other best friend lives over 12 hours away and it'll probably be years before we get to see each other again. Neither one of us really makes the effort to talk much anymore, but that one's a little more understandable. We haven't seen each other since 2006 and people start to drift after 4 years of long-distance friendship.

I guess... my issue is I feel that the people I love don't care about me nearly as much as I care about them. They prove over and over again that I come second best. They prove that I'm only good because I'm loyal and will always be around when they're bored and can't find somebody better to talk to. And what kills me is the fact that I'd still do anything for all of them because that's the kind of person I am. I have faith that one day my life will be filled with people who genuinely care about me and won't mind putting effort into a friendship, but until then I'll settle for what I can get. It's better than being completely alone.

(On a less annoyed note, Emma is freaking adorable!)

Project 365, day 007.

Emma finally moved up to going 4 hours between feedings today. Her usual feeding schedule is every 2 1/2 hours which has been seriously kicking my ass. I still don't understand how she was up to 5oz, 5+ hours, and sleeping through the night around 5 weeks old and suddenly went back down to 2-3oz every 2-3 hours (and, no, not a growth spurt). I guess babies work in mysterious ways!

My life has improved tremendously since I was last writing in this thing. I've moved past all of the baggage I was holding on to and I've been trying my hardest to make the best of everything. I am now a true believer that good things happen when you least expect them to and that the people you need come into your life when you're not trying to find them.
Project 365, day 002.

Wow, it's been forever since I've posted something on here. I completely forgot I even had a blog! Well, needless to say, I had my baby and she's the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. She's been quite the sick baby and things have been tough, especially having to do everything completely alone, but I'm hoping things will be completely normal and a little easier soon. Emma will be 3 months old in 11 days. It's crazy how time flies.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to try to use this as a sort of Project 365 blog now. I'll try to write a more detailed update on Emma and how things have been for us soon.

Project 365;
06/02/2010 - 06/02/2011

I feel kind of weird having a blog, especially since I doubt anyone will even read it, but I have way too many thoughts and not enough people to tell them to. So I will write it out. I hear that helps with stress, after all. The whole 'getting thoughts off your chest' thing. Maybe that's what I need to start doing, maybe clearing my mind will help make 2010 better than the disaster that was 2009.

Not that 2009 was completely terrible. I don't want to sound like a pessimist or anything, because I'm not. I'm a positive person! I just also happen to be a realist and I don't like to sugarcoat, so I guess that can sometimes come off as being 'bitter' or 'emo'. Nah. 2009 had its good moments. If anything it had been the most eventful year OF ALL TIME (thanks, Kanye) and I hear it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than completely boring.

I started 2009 off in New York City. Times Square! A trip back to New Jersey with Amanda, and Eric on the phone. I always thought it was pretty cool that Eric and I started the year off on the phone with each other, as lame as that sounds, haha. I'm not even sure what to say when it comes to Eric because that's not something I want everybody knowing about, but I can say he and I had some weird ass connection / everything in common and I think, in a way, that kind of stops me from being able to fully like other guys because my standards are high as hell now that I KNOW there is someone I can feel that way toward. Everyone else just seems like a cheap comparison. A knock off. Eric and I's "fling" didn't last long, but we spoke every single day for at least 12+ hours starting on January 1st and ending sometime in March, so it was enough to know we clicked really well. Too bad things didn't work out but there's no point in dwelling on that now.

I took the Plan B pill after being with Eric and I started having a lot of medical problems. Very painful medical problems that require ER trips, miniature surgical procedures for temporary relief, an embarrassing reputation (since people are convinced my problem is caused by various STDs - when it's not, I've never had an STD), and a soon to be major surgery in an attempt to fix what happens. The doctors believe my body couldn't handle the medication, so it made one of my glands collapse and now I get "sick" every so often. This thing has been one of the big downs of 2009. I'd never had any kind of medical problems until taking that pill.

I lost my two best friends. Another down and something I don't want to tell everyone about, but it happened and it sucked. In fact, I "lost" Eric and my two best friends all in the span of a week and a half, so for a while I was pretty fucked. I didn't know what to do. It's not like I know a lot of people here considering we're only here because we're stationed at Tyndall and I refuse to meet people off Myspace / Facebook. Loneliness is probably the worst feeling in the world. So I turned to drinking and started going to parties with one of the people I'd met earlier that month. I was drunk probably every single day and night from March - July. I met a guy named Jessie and decided I was tired of being lonely. It might sound cruel... but Jessie became my rebound.

I knew he was a loser when I met him but I was also desperate to have someone in my life. Everyone else seemed to have someone and I felt like I had nothing. I was never truly happy with him because he was so fucking immature for his age (23), and I'd had better. Trying to fake the true feelings you'd felt only once before is not easy. When I was drunk, he seemed like less of a dipshit and I felt better about how things were going... And that's how I was for the majority of our "relationship" - drunk. When I ended up getting pregnant, something I never expected from myself, I finally started seeing him for everything he truly was and I was so disappointed in myself for ever stooping low enough to get involved with someone like that. What happened to my high standards? There was not one thing I liked about this guy when I was sober but, for months, despite being constantly mistreated and verbally / emotionally abused, I tried to force it for the sake of a baby. I don't think I've ever been as unhappy as I was from April-November and it's going to take a long time to forgive myself for bringing Jessie into my house, for putting that kind of stress on my family, and for giving yet another innocent baby a deadbeat, piece of shit excuse of a "father".

I was never in love with him so I'm not heartbroken. After being sober, I realized right away that I had absolutely no feelings for him. Never have, never will. And after how mistreated I was, I've decided I'd much rather deal with the emptiness of being lonely than ever attempt to "settle" just to have something. I've never been in love and I'm okay with that now. I realized I still care for Eric and I probably always will unless I happen to meet another guy I have such an amazing connection with - which I'm sure I will, I'm only 19 and there's billions of people in the world. Caring for somebody isn't always enough and sometimes you just have to force those feelings and memories into the back of your head to make things better.

I've made a lot of really good friends this year, though! Leah, Brianna, Britney, Ian, Ashley, etc. I probably wouldn't be sane right now if it weren't for them. I've gotten to sit front row at Turner Field for a Braves/Red Sox game, gone to a pretty epic Metallica concert in Tampa (which the baby loved), I finally get to enjoy my pregnancy and I get to spend every day feeling my baby girl kick the shit out of my belly. I never wanted kids but now I can say that, despite the suffering I had to do during the majority of this pregnancy, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. While I haven't experienced falling in love with a guy, I've fallen in love with the idea of being a mom and giving Emma the best life I can.

I'm not really sure what to say. I feel like I'm in the calm after the storm now that everything is finally settling down and I can finally start to pick up the pieces and try to fix myself. I'm right back to being where I was, only now I have a bigger stomach and an improved mindset. I don't need a guy in my life to be fucking awesome, nor do I need one to be a good parent.