I have 4 best friends who I hardly ever get to see or talk to. It seems a little weird to call them "best friends" when there's not much effort going into the friendships, right? It's not that there's a lack of effort on my part - I try to talk to all of them. Three of them live 6+ hours away and aren't really able to come visit me and the other one likes to dedicate all of her time to only one friend (+ guys and partying) when said friend is in town. We all have such a great time when hanging out does happen and I'm always sad when one of them has to leave because I know it'll be over a month before I get to see them again. Or before we even speak.

I had my doubts about letting a friend be so involved in my labor and delivery process because friendships tend to come and go. I let her cut Emma's umbilical cord. She was there the night I finally got to bring her home from the NICU. She was there when I found out Emma was a girl, when I got my 4D ultrasound, and for Emma's first shots. But when I want to simply hang out or have a conversation - or even act like we have a friendship - she's too "busy" for me and then the next day there's a ton of pictures of her partying with other said friend. I'm not jealous of their friendship because that would be ridiculous, it just really hurts my feelings when it seems like such a fucking hassle to put effort into a friendship. I don't have many friends at all and when the couple of friends I do have only talk to me or try to get together when there's nothing better to do, it hurts. And it hurts me that I let people experience some of the most important moments of my life and yet I always come second to partying and other friends. It's amazing how uninterested people are when you no longer want to go out and get fucked up all the time. I wish I could find it in me to not care and just see shit for what it is, but I can't.

Two of my best friends are my cousins. One of them got a girlfriend (who I love!) and seems to revolve his entire world around her, so we've been talking a lot less. We've been best friends since birth and, despite the fact that he'd rather spend money to go see the Georgia Bulldogs play instead of using the money to come here and meet my daughter, I know he will always be one of the most important people in my life. My other cousin... Well, I love her to death, but she's got her issues. She only speaks to people when she needs something. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to call and text her only to be ignored. In fact, I'm pretty sure I go ignored EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. But the second she needs a favor or wants to vent about the guy she's seeing, here I am willing to talk to her. Selfish.

My other best friend lives over 12 hours away and it'll probably be years before we get to see each other again. Neither one of us really makes the effort to talk much anymore, but that one's a little more understandable. We haven't seen each other since 2006 and people start to drift after 4 years of long-distance friendship.

I guess... my issue is I feel that the people I love don't care about me nearly as much as I care about them. They prove over and over again that I come second best. They prove that I'm only good because I'm loyal and will always be around when they're bored and can't find somebody better to talk to. And what kills me is the fact that I'd still do anything for all of them because that's the kind of person I am. I have faith that one day my life will be filled with people who genuinely care about me and won't mind putting effort into a friendship, but until then I'll settle for what I can get. It's better than being completely alone.

(On a less annoyed note, Emma is freaking adorable!)

Project 365, day 007.