Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I have spent the past 3 months trying to tear down the walls that I usually surround myself with because I've found someone who I feel deserves to have all of me. I never thought I'd get lucky enough to meet someone who can make me feel the way he does, and now that I have that I am so terrified to lose it. There was a time when I thought Eric was that person, but now when I look back on how I felt with Eric... That was nothing compared to how strongly you can really feel toward someone. You know that butterflies in the stomach feeling you always hear about but are never really sure if it exists? Now I know it does, because I get them every time I'm with Chris. That was one of the first things that stood out to me and made me realize that this is different. I'm not exactly a sappy person, I am not the kind of girl who says she loves a guy - ever. I usually make fun of couples who say they love each other after 1 month, 2 months, 3 months of dating because I never thought it was possible. But who am I to judge how long it takes for someone to fall in love? It's different for everyone. I never thought I loved Andrew. I definitely never thought I loved Jessie. Eric, the thought did cross my mind a few times but at the same time I knew it wasn't real - I knew I WANTED to be in love with him just because I wanted to experience the feeling I was convinced I'd never get to feel. I never loved Eric. Chris? I feel like he's perfect. I know there's no such thing as perfection, and he does have his fair share of flaws, but I feel like he is perfect for me despite things that have happened and despite the fact that we have something major to overcome right now. Despite the fact that I'm about to move across the country. He is perfect for me and that is extremely hard for me to say, especially on my public blog, because I've never felt that way about somebody before and being completely honest about how I feel makes me feel so vulnerable.

Sometimes I miss the walls I used to hide behind just because they protected me from getting hurt. Now my feelings are fair game. Fuuuuuuck. I really don't want to leave him.


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