I'm not sure why I even have a blog if I don't feel like I'm able to write about the things that happen in my life. I guess most of it is too personal for other people to be reading - on the behalf of others, not myself - so for now I'll just have to keep it all bottled up. I hate when somebody you think so highly of does something completely unexpected... but it is what it is.

Also, my Canon EOS Digital Rebel XT won't turn on anymore, so that's why there have been a lot less posts from me. A little bit of what's been going on:

My boyfriend is perfect and last night was amazing! That is all.

Oh, and more pictures -

Yesterday was pretty good. Now that Chris and I won't get to see each other as often as we did during the summer, I'm going to try to go to his house every Wednesday and he'll come to mine on the weekends. It sucks that our time is so limited now, especially considering I'm about to leave, but I'm glad that I can feel comfortable going to his house again because I think I like hanging out over there more than at mine. The only real difference is that we have more privacy at my house and more of Emma's things to keep her entertained. He has a little brother who's about a year and a half old so they do have some things that Emma can use, but Emma is so picky about what'll entertain her. But... yeah. Spent last night hanging out with Chris, Britney, and Pat. Watched the guys play NCAA and then watched some weird ass concert festival on TV for a while. I really wish I had my license so I could go over there more often.

I've spent the past week becoming obsessed with Lost. No joke! I never wanted to watch it before because I generally hate anything to do with being stranded, especially being stranded on a deserted island. The entire concept just sounded way too boring for me. But... my life can be way too boring for me, so I saw season 1 on Netflix Instant and decided to watch it. This shit is like TV crack! I'm already on season 2, haha. Sooo... the combination of Lost being awesome and things being almost back to perfect with Chris makes this a pretty great week. Can't even explain how happy Chris makes me and how glad I am to have him in my life.

Tried to take some 5 month pictures of Emma today but she moves around so much and gets unhappy so quickly that it's getting pretty hard to get good, clear pictures of her now! I thought taking pictures of babies got easier the older they get, haha, but I was wroooong. Anywho, look how cute -






We finally put up our "RENT" sign in our yard and I swear that's what's making this move sink in for me. All of the sudden I'm so... unhappy about it. I was so excited to go, and part of me still is because I love Virginia and I'm glad to get Emma away from the trashy hellhole that is Panama City, but I really do not want to leave Chris. I don't want to be without him.

At first I was so worried that leaving would ruin our relationship, I was scared to even think about trying because I've done it before and I know how long distance tends to fail for most people. Especially since our relationship is still fairly new. But if I feel like if you want something bad enough - if you are truly determined for things to work out - then they will. And I am determined to make things work. It all depends on if he can handle the distance or not... and I hope he can. There is no try, there is only do. We can do ittttt!

Anyway, I was bored and decided to do one of these things to keep track of how much we've been dating... It's really pointless but I saw it a friend's myspace and was curious to know how many days we've been together. I want to do one for how long Emma's been alive next. You know, when I'm not too lazy to go back to the website.

But since I am too lazy and Emma is now awake, I'm going to go back to watching Lost! Until next time, dear blog. Adios.

"All I ask of you is one thing: please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen."

I think I'm so used to being unhappy that whenever good things happen to me, it feels wrong. Like there's some kind of catch or like it's too good to be true. I'm always anticipating the end of a good thing instead of accepting it and thinking, "Hey, this might actually work out." I have an amazing boyfriend and the perfect baby girl. Parents who have stood by my side despite how badly I've fucked up in the short amount of time I've been around, and a grandmother who's made herself broke to make sure Emma and I will never go without. I am surrounded by love but it feels wrong to me so I subconsciously push people away and try to find little ways ruin it, and by the time I realize what I've done it's too late. It needs to stop.

I think things are going to start looking up now! Finally.

I have spent the past 3 months trying to tear down the walls that I usually surround myself with because I've found someone who I feel deserves to have all of me. I never thought I'd get lucky enough to meet someone who can make me feel the way he does, and now that I have that I am so terrified to lose it. There was a time when I thought Eric was that person, but now when I look back on how I felt with Eric... That was nothing compared to how strongly you can really feel toward someone. You know that butterflies in the stomach feeling you always hear about but are never really sure if it exists? Now I know it does, because I get them every time I'm with Chris. That was one of the first things that stood out to me and made me realize that this is different. I'm not exactly a sappy person, I am not the kind of girl who says she loves a guy - ever. I usually make fun of couples who say they love each other after 1 month, 2 months, 3 months of dating because I never thought it was possible. But who am I to judge how long it takes for someone to fall in love? It's different for everyone. I never thought I loved Andrew. I definitely never thought I loved Jessie. Eric, the thought did cross my mind a few times but at the same time I knew it wasn't real - I knew I WANTED to be in love with him just because I wanted to experience the feeling I was convinced I'd never get to feel. I never loved Eric. Chris? I feel like he's perfect. I know there's no such thing as perfection, and he does have his fair share of flaws, but I feel like he is perfect for me despite things that have happened and despite the fact that we have something major to overcome right now. Despite the fact that I'm about to move across the country. He is perfect for me and that is extremely hard for me to say, especially on my public blog, because I've never felt that way about somebody before and being completely honest about how I feel makes me feel so vulnerable.

Sometimes I miss the walls I used to hide behind just because they protected me from getting hurt. Now my feelings are fair game. Fuuuuuuck. I really don't want to leave him.

Judge Overturns Cali's Ban on Same-Sex Marriage
A federal judge in California has knocked down the state's voter-approved ban on same-sex marriage, ruling Wednesday that the state's controversial Proposition 8 violates the U.S. Constitution.
http://www.cnn.com/08/04/california.same.sex.ruling

Two words: EQUALITY WINS! For now, at least.

I really wish my laptop would function properly so I can finally finish up The L Word. One last season to finish and I couldn't be more happy that Jenny bites the dust. She has got to be one of the most irritating characters in the history of TV. Although I'm not really diggin' how the spin off sounds... The Farm, based on Alice in prison. I'll watch just because I love me some lesbian drama and Alice is my favorite character, but prison? Eh.

I've been watching Californication all day to try to get my mind off certain things. Every time things are going really great with Chris, something awful has to happen to make things suck. He's a really good guy and I want almost more than anything for things to work out between us because I can see a future there, but I don't know how to be comfortable with certain things. There's a lot I could elaborate on but maybe a public blog isn't the best place to give the details. At least he knows he's done wrong and he's apologized and that's going to have to be enough until things are back to being comfortable.

So, yeah. I can't believe Emma's going to be 5 months old in 8 days. Where does the time go? Sometimes I wish she'd grow up a little quicker because she's a very clingy baby - and I mean so clingy that I can't put her down to do ANYTHING because she screams hysterically within two minutes of being out of my arms. She's already developing bad separation anxiety when she's around other people. But at the same time I want to keep her tiny forever because she's only going to be my little baby once. The screaming and constant need to be held can make things difficult but every second is worth it.

Anyway, pictures!