I'm not sure why I even have a blog if I don't feel like I'm able to write about the things that happen in my life. I guess most of it is too personal for other people to be reading - on the behalf of others, not myself - so for now I'll just have to keep it all bottled up. I hate when somebody you think so highly of does something completely unexpected... but it is what it is.

Also, my Canon EOS Digital Rebel XT won't turn on anymore, so that's why there have been a lot less posts from me. A little bit of what's been going on:

My boyfriend is perfect and last night was amazing! That is all.

Oh, and more pictures -

Yesterday was pretty good. Now that Chris and I won't get to see each other as often as we did during the summer, I'm going to try to go to his house every Wednesday and he'll come to mine on the weekends. It sucks that our time is so limited now, especially considering I'm about to leave, but I'm glad that I can feel comfortable going to his house again because I think I like hanging out over there more than at mine. The only real difference is that we have more privacy at my house and more of Emma's things to keep her entertained. He has a little brother who's about a year and a half old so they do have some things that Emma can use, but Emma is so picky about what'll entertain her. But... yeah. Spent last night hanging out with Chris, Britney, and Pat. Watched the guys play NCAA and then watched some weird ass concert festival on TV for a while. I really wish I had my license so I could go over there more often.

I've spent the past week becoming obsessed with Lost. No joke! I never wanted to watch it before because I generally hate anything to do with being stranded, especially being stranded on a deserted island. The entire concept just sounded way too boring for me. But... my life can be way too boring for me, so I saw season 1 on Netflix Instant and decided to watch it. This shit is like TV crack! I'm already on season 2, haha. Sooo... the combination of Lost being awesome and things being almost back to perfect with Chris makes this a pretty great week. Can't even explain how happy Chris makes me and how glad I am to have him in my life.

Tried to take some 5 month pictures of Emma today but she moves around so much and gets unhappy so quickly that it's getting pretty hard to get good, clear pictures of her now! I thought taking pictures of babies got easier the older they get, haha, but I was wroooong. Anywho, look how cute -






We finally put up our "RENT" sign in our yard and I swear that's what's making this move sink in for me. All of the sudden I'm so... unhappy about it. I was so excited to go, and part of me still is because I love Virginia and I'm glad to get Emma away from the trashy hellhole that is Panama City, but I really do not want to leave Chris. I don't want to be without him.

At first I was so worried that leaving would ruin our relationship, I was scared to even think about trying because I've done it before and I know how long distance tends to fail for most people. Especially since our relationship is still fairly new. But if I feel like if you want something bad enough - if you are truly determined for things to work out - then they will. And I am determined to make things work. It all depends on if he can handle the distance or not... and I hope he can. There is no try, there is only do. We can do ittttt!

Anyway, I was bored and decided to do one of these things to keep track of how much we've been dating... It's really pointless but I saw it a friend's myspace and was curious to know how many days we've been together. I want to do one for how long Emma's been alive next. You know, when I'm not too lazy to go back to the website.

But since I am too lazy and Emma is now awake, I'm going to go back to watching Lost! Until next time, dear blog. Adios.

"All I ask of you is one thing: please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen."

I think I'm so used to being unhappy that whenever good things happen to me, it feels wrong. Like there's some kind of catch or like it's too good to be true. I'm always anticipating the end of a good thing instead of accepting it and thinking, "Hey, this might actually work out." I have an amazing boyfriend and the perfect baby girl. Parents who have stood by my side despite how badly I've fucked up in the short amount of time I've been around, and a grandmother who's made herself broke to make sure Emma and I will never go without. I am surrounded by love but it feels wrong to me so I subconsciously push people away and try to find little ways ruin it, and by the time I realize what I've done it's too late. It needs to stop.

I think things are going to start looking up now! Finally.

I have spent the past 3 months trying to tear down the walls that I usually surround myself with because I've found someone who I feel deserves to have all of me. I never thought I'd get lucky enough to meet someone who can make me feel the way he does, and now that I have that I am so terrified to lose it. There was a time when I thought Eric was that person, but now when I look back on how I felt with Eric... That was nothing compared to how strongly you can really feel toward someone. You know that butterflies in the stomach feeling you always hear about but are never really sure if it exists? Now I know it does, because I get them every time I'm with Chris. That was one of the first things that stood out to me and made me realize that this is different. I'm not exactly a sappy person, I am not the kind of girl who says she loves a guy - ever. I usually make fun of couples who say they love each other after 1 month, 2 months, 3 months of dating because I never thought it was possible. But who am I to judge how long it takes for someone to fall in love? It's different for everyone. I never thought I loved Andrew. I definitely never thought I loved Jessie. Eric, the thought did cross my mind a few times but at the same time I knew it wasn't real - I knew I WANTED to be in love with him just because I wanted to experience the feeling I was convinced I'd never get to feel. I never loved Eric. Chris? I feel like he's perfect. I know there's no such thing as perfection, and he does have his fair share of flaws, but I feel like he is perfect for me despite things that have happened and despite the fact that we have something major to overcome right now. Despite the fact that I'm about to move across the country. He is perfect for me and that is extremely hard for me to say, especially on my public blog, because I've never felt that way about somebody before and being completely honest about how I feel makes me feel so vulnerable.

Sometimes I miss the walls I used to hide behind just because they protected me from getting hurt. Now my feelings are fair game. Fuuuuuuck. I really don't want to leave him.

Judge Overturns Cali's Ban on Same-Sex Marriage
A federal judge in California has knocked down the state's voter-approved ban on same-sex marriage, ruling Wednesday that the state's controversial Proposition 8 violates the U.S. Constitution.
http://www.cnn.com/08/04/california.same.sex.ruling

Two words: EQUALITY WINS! For now, at least.

I really wish my laptop would function properly so I can finally finish up The L Word. One last season to finish and I couldn't be more happy that Jenny bites the dust. She has got to be one of the most irritating characters in the history of TV. Although I'm not really diggin' how the spin off sounds... The Farm, based on Alice in prison. I'll watch just because I love me some lesbian drama and Alice is my favorite character, but prison? Eh.

I've been watching Californication all day to try to get my mind off certain things. Every time things are going really great with Chris, something awful has to happen to make things suck. He's a really good guy and I want almost more than anything for things to work out between us because I can see a future there, but I don't know how to be comfortable with certain things. There's a lot I could elaborate on but maybe a public blog isn't the best place to give the details. At least he knows he's done wrong and he's apologized and that's going to have to be enough until things are back to being comfortable.

So, yeah. I can't believe Emma's going to be 5 months old in 8 days. Where does the time go? Sometimes I wish she'd grow up a little quicker because she's a very clingy baby - and I mean so clingy that I can't put her down to do ANYTHING because she screams hysterically within two minutes of being out of my arms. She's already developing bad separation anxiety when she's around other people. But at the same time I want to keep her tiny forever because she's only going to be my little baby once. The screaming and constant need to be held can make things difficult but every second is worth it.

Anyway, pictures!

"When I am scared, I micromanage. When I am uncertain, I overstate. When I am challenged, I belittle and lash out. And when I love someone, I try to put them in a box."

* * *

'When you get off work tonight meet me at the construction site and we'll write some notes to tape to the heavy machines, like "We hope they treat you well. Hope you don't work too hard. We hope you get to be happy sometimes." Bring your swiss-army knife, and a bottle of something, and I'll bring some spraypaint and a new deck of cards. Hey, I found the safest place to keep all our tenderness. Keep all those bad ideas. Keep all our hope. It's here in the smallest bones, the feet and the inner-ear. It's such an enormous thing to walk and to listen. I'd like to fall asleep to the beat of you breathing in a room near a truckstop on a highway somewhere. You are a radio. You are an open door. I am a faulty string of blue Christmas lights. You swim through frequencies. You let that stranger in as I'm blinking off and on and off again. We've got a lot of time, or maybe we don't, but I'd like to think so, so let me pretend. These are my favourite chords. I know you like them too. When I get a new guitar, you can have this one and sing me a lullaby. Sing me the alphabet. Sing me a story I haven't heard yet.'

So, this blog seems to have turned into a total fail and that's mostly due to laziness and lack of wanting to whine about my ridiculously dull/shitty/bad luck-infested life. Things will go good for about 3 seconds (ie: I GOT MY HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA!) and then hit close to rock bottom immediately after. I don't understand it.

But, anyway, I'll make some time tomorrow to write a post about everything that's been going on lately even though I don't think anybody even looks at this anymore. October needs to hurry up and get here because I'm ready for some change.

Alright, new idea! How about instead of a Project 365... I call this a Project Whenever I Have Time to Post Pics. Yep, I'm liking the sound of that a lotttt more.

We're considering taking a trip up to DC to try to find a house to move into before the forced move. The military is trying to screw us on our housing situation so right now we're pretty much fucked. We've been buying the house we live in now because we didn't expect to get orders again before my dad retires and usually the government will buy your house if they force you to move. Well, they don't do that anymore, so they told us to just move and either pay monthly for BOTH houses (which is out of the question) or to just foreclose on this one. Really? FORECLOSURE? Not the answer. Hopefully this will all work itself out. I have a feeling it will.

I'll never understand how people can be so shitty to those who care about them. I know I sound like a whiny little brat every time I vent about something on here... But I really don't have anyone to talk to and I need to get things off my chest. Honestly, this shouldn't even bother me because the people who are getting to me are nowhere near worth my time, but I guess they matter when they're as good as it gets in a town like this.

I'm not perfect by any means but I make damn sure that I treat people the way I want to be treated in return. NOBODY likes to be talked bad about being their back, nobody likes to be lied to, ignored, and pretty much shown that nobody wants anything to do with them. I am constantly confused with how I have nothing solid in my life because I know I deserve better. I am a good friend. I'm funny, I might not be the most entertaining person to hang out with because I don't drink and/or do any drugs - but I'm not a total bore, either, I'm a good listener, I give decent advice, I don't (usually) get jealous, and I give my all to people when I care about them.

I am at the point where I can honestly say I have no friends. I have people who tell me they miss me and that we should hang out soon, but if I died today hardly anybody would care enough to go to my funeral. Do you know how that feels? There is a lot I could elaborate on but... I just don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know how to meet new people and find friends who are actually worth my time.

I am so ready to move. October needs to hurry up.

Things have been a little too hectic for me to remember to update this every day. My family got new station orders... to Washington DC. Scott got a job at the PENTAGON. While I'm sad to leave a couple of people behind, I'm very excited. I love fresh starts. I love four seasons. I love big cities. I love that I get to move Emma to a town that has so much culture and educational activities. This is a good thing. Sad, but good.

Project 365, day 022.

Project 365, day 021.

Project 365, day 019.


Project 365, day 018.

Project 365, day 017.

I keep forgetting to post my p365 pictures on the right day. Whoops! There's just been so much going on during the day to remember to update before 12am. Please forgive me, blog of mine. XOXO.

The picture from yesterday is one of the baby Mockingbirds from the nest outside my dining room window. There were three babies and yesterday two of them took flight - this little runt stayed behind and ended up falling out of the nest earlier today. I watched it hop around the yard for a little bit, enough to see if it could fly or not, and it couldn't fly so I decided it would be best to pick it up and put it back in the nest. Birds won't really neglect their babies if someone touches them - that's a proven myth. But, anyway, the little bird wanted to be difficult and jumped back out of the nest. We have two hunting dogs who would eat that little thing up in a heartbeat so I followed it around until it hopped out of the yard through a hole in the fence. The entire time the parent Mockingbirds were circling over us, squawking like crazy, and trying to dive-bomb attack me. Those bitches are INTIMIDATING! I was worrying pretty bad about the little bird because I know it probably won't survive if it's not ready to fly yet. It will most likely either a) hop back into our yard and be eaten by our dogs, b) hop into a neighbor's yard and get eaten by one of their dogs, or c) hop into the road and get run over. Or get picked up by a bigger bird... who knows? But, you know how the whole 'out of sight, out of mind' thing goes. So once it was out of sight, it was out of mind. Until I heard a noise outside of our front door. I looked out and there was the little Mockingbird with the parents circling overhead. I opened the door to try to see if I could catch it and try to put it back into the nest once more but it took off hopping and the parents started trying to attack me once again, so I took off running because those things have sharp beaks and talons. Screw that! I know it's just a little bird and baby birds don't make it all the time... but I feel really terrible knowing that this innocent little baby most likely won't survive. Poor thing. :( Hopefully I'll quit feeling like crap about it soon. And my dogs do NOT want me to catch them eating the little guy because I will be pissed beyond belief.

I thought it was cool having a nest right outside my window because I could see everything. I saw them from egg to flight, I saw how the parent birds feed them, how they have to work harder than humans to keep their babies alive. It was like having Animal Planet in my backyard! But it is way, way too stressful to have a nest of babies in your backyard when you have a Basset Hound and a Labrador Retriever. I think I'll have my step-dad take down the nest sometime tomorrow so they don't return to it. Out of sight, out of mind.

Project 365, day 016.


Project 365, day 015.

Project 365, day 014.




Project 365, day 013.

Project 365, day 012.

Emma is officially 3 months old today and she decided to start it off with a new accomplishment - laughing for the first time! I could tell she's been trying to for a couple of weeks now but it finalllllyy happened. It was only a little chuckle but it was a chuckle all the same. She started rolling over stomach to back around 6 weeks old and she's working hard to roll from back to stomach now, I have a feeling she'll start doing that within the next two weeks. I never realized how exciting baby milestones could be. :D

Project 365, day 011.

Also, check out my new "Seen in 2010" section on the right. This was something I did about two years ago and I forgot how fun it was. I added about 15 movies to my Netflix instant queue, now it's just a matter of finding enough time to watch them.